McCain Plows Ahead After Boxing Bill Falters

MCCAIN PLOWS AHEAD AFTER BOXING BILL FALTERS

For Immediate Release
Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Washington, DC — Senator John McCain expressed sincere regret that his Professional Boxing Amendments Act did not come up for a vote in the House of Representatives during this legislative session. The bill – S.275 – called for the creation of a federal boxing commission to oversee the sport. “The Senator tried extremely hard to strike a deal on his measure, all the way up to the end,” said Phyllis Randillo, special aide to McCain “He tried to get it attached to nearly everything. He attached it to an intellectual property bill, to no avail. He tried to attach it to the intelligence bill. He tried to attach it to the back of Senator Kennedy with a piece of Scotch tape. He even stayed behind after they locked the doors and tried to attach it to his chair, but he found out, much to his chagrin, that's not the way the process works.”

Nonetheless, Senator McCain, who has always believed government is your friend; more government means more friends, looks ahead to embarking on an extremely aggressive legislative program when the 109th Congress convenes in January – enough to keep his staff and public relations consultants busy for quite some time.

The agenda includes:

* A bill requiring stricter testing of professional chess players for traces of caffeine.

* A resolution to rename the War in Iraq the “Budweiser War in Iraq”.

* A Senate investigation into whether, in fact, Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson.

* A resolution to declare filmmaker Michael Moore “a really bad and fat human being”.

* A bill requiring that Jackie Chan be licensed in any state in which he beats up someone in a kung fu movie.

* A congressional inquiry into whether NFL referees are really looking at replays when they stop the game for five minutes, or whether it's actually girl-on-girl action featuring Jenna Jameson.

* A resolution that the President of the United States should most certainly have more intelligence.

* A Senate investigation into what was in the cup that hit Ron Artest.

* A bill allowing the Ten Commandments to be displayed in front of any government building, provided the Eighth Commandment is changed to “Thou Shalt Not Steal, except when it comes to pain killers”.

* A resolution to remove Tostitos as title sponsor of the Fiesta Bowl, hosted in his home state, because “it sounds Mexican”.

* A resolution to change the name of the Fiesta Bowl itself, because “it also sounds Mexican”.

* The formation of a special commission to thoroughly study the ethnicity of Tiger Woods, “for national security purposes.”

* A bill that would require him to receive 24 tickets for each World Series game from Major League Baseball, 16 tickets for every Super Bowl from the NFL, 20 pit passes for every NASCAR race, and eight front row tickets for every heavyweight title fight from Don King Productions – all situated within easy range of TV cameras.

* A resolution banning Bob Jones University from any possible future inclusion in the Bowl Championship Series.

* A resolution requiring that Arizona or Arizona State be included in next year’s Bowl Championship Series “or Congress will intervene”.

* A bi-partisan congressional investigation for the purposes of charging Muhammad Ali with violations of the Muhammad Ali Act.

* A bill that would make it illegal for any member of the press to use the name “Kemper Marley” in connection with him.

* Citing his great love for sports, and with respect for Phoenix's hockey teams of the past and present, the formation of a commission to explore the question of why the Coyote can never catch that damn Road Runner.

* A bill that would permanently add the word “gook” to Webster's Dictionary, if it isn’t there already.

* A resolution for the issuance of a presidential pardon for convicted felon Charles Keating, along with a simultaneous resolution that Keating be inducted into the Hallmark Hall of Fame.

* A bill authorizing the federal government to administer the military draft. And the NFL draft. And the NBA draft. And the NHL draft, “if those canucks ever start playing again.”

* Passage of the resolution to pardon former heavyweight champion Jack Johnson for his Mann Act conviction, coupled with a resolution to exhume his body so he can testify at a future Senate boxing hearing.

* A Senate investigation into whether Elvis is really in the House, and whether that's what actually held up his boxing bill.

* A resolution that Sen. McCain be elevated from 895th to 1st in his 1958 graduating class at the Naval Academy, on the basis that the 894 people above him may very well have been on steroids.

* A constitutional amendment removing satire as a protected free speech, if the object of such satire doesn't get the joke.

* A resolution that each of the above proposals be acted upon during February Sweeps Week.

Senator McCain is still hopeful of getting his boxing bill passed in the next session, despite objections about the restrictions it might place on the ability of fighters – long considered a disadvantaged group – to declare independence from promoters by representing themselves. “These great warriors train like Spartans,” he said. “They put their well-being on the line in the ring, taking punishment almost as severe as I experienced in Hanoi, often for a chunk of change that wouldn't keep one of my PR people on the payroll for two days.”

“You want them to have to think for themselves too?”