Announcing…the World Boxing Shower Association

Press Release – Due to the overwhelming response from our initial shower ratings, we are pleased to announce the formation of the World Boxing Shower Association (WBSA). This is a nonprofit organization established for the betterment of the sport of boxing, i.e., not for the financial benefit or self-aggrandizement of its founding officer, me.

Our objective is to be as fair as possible in terms of our rankings. The rating process is as follows: Three WBSA officials shall shower in the facility, one at a time. Each shower shall not exceed ten minutes, with a three minute rest period between each shower. After exiting the shower, each official shall rate the shower on a ten point system. The score shall be secret and written on a small slip of paper which will be handed to the WBSA rep, who shall announce the final total score once all three officials are dried and dressed. Under no circumstances shall these slips of paper ever be filled out in advance.

The WBSA officials shall be hand selected by me. But, not to worry, they won’t all be my family members, my friends, or people to whom I owe favors. Some of the officials may in fact be deaf, dumb and blind, but that should not detract from their ability to judge a shower fairly. The age limit for officials shall be 65 years of age, except for the state of Maryland, where the minimum age shall be 85 years and the maximum shall be 105 years. (Note: gym owners might want to provide shower seats for these guys. Last thing we need is gramps to slip on the soap.)

We will gladly rank any boxing shower in the world. Any boxing gym owner who wishes to have his or her shower rated simply has to provide for four WBSA officials and one WBSA representative. This includes four first-class round trip tickets plus transportation to and from all venues and airports, four rooms in a three star hotel for two nights, and three meals a day for two days. Please make sure the shower has running water at the time of rating. Our officials will provide their own soap, toiletries and towels. Bribes cannot and will not be accepted, because that would compromise the good name of our organization. Gifts, however, are welcome.

We also open our doors to all. Anyone can join our organization for an annual membership fee of $299 if received before my birthday, or $399 thereafter. Lifetime memberships are $1999, if received before my birthday, $2499 thereafter. Members will receive our monthly newsletter and an advance opportunity to purchase tickets to our events. If a gym owner chooses to join our organization, it shall in no way influence our rating of showers. That would be unjust.

Within twelve months, we shall determine the top four rated showers and a shower-off tournament shall be held to determine the true world champion. In the “semi-final” competition the number one rated shower shall face the number four rated shower, and the number two rated shower shall face the number three rated shower. The two winners shall then face each other in the “finals.” Because this is for a world title, each shower-off will require six officials to take successive showers, as previously outlined, simultaneously in each shower location. The secret rating slips shall be held by each WBSA representative until a conference call is set up with me to determine the winner.

The world champion shall be awarded a belt at a cost of $599 to the event promoter, or the gym owner if the promoter’s check bounces. (Yes, you have to pay for the damn belt; these things cost money!) In addition, each contender must pay a sanctioning fee of 3% of his or her annual water bill to the WBSA. Please don’t forget to pay this amount up front; we don’t want any embarrassing moments on camera afterwards. Of course, the winner will have to continue to pay the 3% fee each year thereafter that he or she wishes to retain the title.

The WBSA will also hold an annual gala dinner, at which time we will present awards such as cleanest shower, filthiest shower, most odiferous shower, nicest soap holder, best water pressure, boxing gym owner of the year, and boxing gym janitor of the year, etc. The winners of these awards shall be determined arbitrarily by me and shall in no way be influenced by monetary contributions to our organization.

The dinner will probably be held at either the McDonald’s on Lenox Ave. between 132nd and 133rd St. in New York, NY or one of the El Pollo Locos off Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood, CA, depending on where I happen to be at the moment. I will treat the winners of our awards to dinner; just know what combo or extra value meal number you want in advance to expedite ordering. Winners shall attend the event for free; all the rest of you can pay $99 a plate for the privilege of getting to hang around with true greatness. Press bums are welcome, too, but you will probably have to order at least a soda or coffee so they won’t kick you out.

I am sure there are those of you who are saying, “Gosh, there are a lot of expenses involved in this new organization. What’s up with that?” But, hey, the World Boxing Shower Association is all about keeping boxers clean, and that’s what really matters, right?