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@Max(imum) Kellerman

Editor’s note: The following letter to Max Kellerman is being posted on behalf of the author, Dino da Vinci.
Dear Sir:
A short time ago, you had erroneously referred to us Patriots fans as amongst the dumbest fans in sports.

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Kellerman

Editor’s note: The following letter to Max Kellerman is being posted on behalf of the author, Dino da Vinci.

Dear Sir:

A short time ago, you had erroneously referred to us Patriots fans as amongst the dumbest fans in sports.

I initially saw it as an attempt to keep the ratings up, figuring you were toeing the company line. You were being a good soldier, doing as you were told, and it would be a one and done kinda thing.

What I thought to be only a snack, however, is turning into an eleven-course meal.

Max, your comments have triggered an inundation of phone calls, emails, texts, faxes, telegraphs, courier pigeons, et al., all stating something to the effect of “Hey D, you know this guy, you need to have a little chat with him.”  After backpedaling profusely, I explained that, while I am well aware of you, I in no way know you. Nor do I know Roger “Ideal Gas Law” Goodell, or Chris Mortenson (yeah, you’re a respected journalist), Jane Rosenberg (at least you got it right with your second opportunity), or Bernard Pollard (we realize it was an unfortunate injury in the course of doing your job, but it hurts no less).

Max, I’m officially addressing you on behalf of New England Patriots fans everywhere. Simply put, if we don’t receive a sincere and heartfelt apology, you’ll be forcing us to make you an idiom.

As I plan on living forever, what follows is a conversation I will most likely be having in the future, with one of my great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughters.

 Circa 2132 AD

Maria Angelica (age 6): “Multi-great-GrandPapa D, what’s the origin of the term “kellerman” or “at kellerman? My teacher told me you’d be the perfect person to ask.

DdaV: “You mean like when people said there was no such thing as global warming and now people say, “Wow, they really kellerman’d that one”, like that? It’s all true. Why, in fact, we used to have big white bears called polar bears…”

MA: (gasps) “Wow!  Like an Abdominablable Snowman?”

DdaV: “Sorta. And large, beautiful marine turtles…”

MA: (gasps) “Really?! Like Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.”

DdaV: “Yeah, sure. And penguins…”

MA: (Gasps) “Last Christmas Santa brought me a book entitled ‘From the First Dodo Bird to the Last One of What May Have Been as Many as 20 Different Species of Penguins:  The History of the Flightless Bird and What it Says About Us Now That They’re All Gone.  A Reflection.'”

DdaV:  “A bit wordy, but my very point.  And Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and California…”

MA: “Types of fish that couldn’t acclimate to the warming of the oceans?”

DdaV:  “No, those were actual states that were part of the United States of America. Now we just have the “Somewhat, Mostly United States of America.”

MA:  “Or when people said that artificial intelligence would only help us as a people and today our world leader is a killer bot named X28-3-1501-49-0, or as he likes to call himself, Fluffy?”

DdaV:  “Exactly.”

MA:  “And the origin of the saying?”

D da V: “It’s an expression you don’t hear as much anymore. It harks back to well over 100 years ago when a man they let talk into a microphone by the name of Max Kellerman figured he’d get a jump on the demise of quarterback Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.”

MA: “That was a real man?”

D da V: “Uh, well… some would argue, but I would say so. Anyway, back to what happened. Max Kellerman was a grown-up man who made a big mistake and refused to admit that he was wrong, even when he knew that he was wrong.”

MA:  “Like last year in kindergarten when Timmy put the goldfish on the hampster wheel and stated that it disproved the evolutionary process because Goldy needed to sprout legs, but evidently didn’t grow them?”

DdaV: “Let’s make that a topic for another day.  Back to Max. You see, he called the Patriots’ fans dumb for believing in their quarterback, Tom Brady. In 2016, Mr. Kellerman said Brady would “be a bum in short order,” and in 2017 he said he would “fall off a cliff.” Basically, he said that Brady wasn’t going to be good at his job any more, and that he was just okay. Well, in 2017 Tom Brady won another Super Bowl, his fifth, sixth or seventh Super Bowl win up to that point. It really starts to blur at around that time.”

MA: “Was that Tom Brady related to the Tom Brady who is quarterbacking the Patriots today, Papa D?”

D da V: “To answer your question, yes, it is in fact the very same Tom Brady. What “at Maximum Kellerman” refers to is how fast can you come to the wrong conclusion, and how long you can stay wrong even after reality and/or science has proven you’re wrong, sort of like the flat earth concept. Here’s a guy, Max, who was wrong, it was proven that he was wrong, and then he kept re-upping on being wrong, while continually being re-proven that he had remained wrong.  Actually, it was initially called “at Wicked Maximum Kellerman”, as it was a New England thing until it went global, and then they dropped the Wicked, then later in some places the max, or maximum, much like how The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo was shortened to Oingo Boingo, then later just Boingo.”

MA: “Huh?”

D da V: “Not important. The point is, the phrase became a way to slight somebody, in reference to how long do you really want to be wrong and stay wrong before finally admitting it.”

MA: “Did he finally admit it? That he was wrong?”

DdaV: “No, he passed without ever admitting his mistake.  His head actually exploded* on Intergalactic MuskSee TV when Brady completed a pass to Rob Gronkowski IV in Fluffy knows what Super Bowl, completing a 38-point comeback with no time remaining on the clock; a performance exceeding his 35-point comeback some thirty years prior.  Seems Max made it personal and that’s why very little is ever mentioned about his actual career as a sports commentator, which is someone who talks about sports. Seems he knew so much about one sport, boxing, that they just let him talk about other sports and athletes too, even though he evidently knew nothing about them.  I mean, he had to know that a 40-year-old who lived right, trained right, ate right, and studied the opposition meticulously could compete to at least the age of 50.”

MA:  “You’re describing Tom Brady, right?”

DdaV:  “Actually, I was referring to Bernard Hopkins.  A boxing champion around so long they were forced to issue him a new nickname because, along with Floyd Mayweather, they wore out their original ones.  Max, amazingly knowledgeable in one sport, chose to veer out of his lane, and in his case, into oncoming traffic, namely Patriots Nation.  So rather than being remembered for being special in one area, he was berated for being horribly wrong for an insanely long period of time.  It was actually one of Albert Einstein’s lesser known theories, (HWxiLPoT)/w=mKellerman2.  It would later be renamed simply Kellerman.”

MA: “But that’s so mean. That makes the poor man who they let talk into the microphone sound like a maxhead, and that’s sad.”

DdaV: “Uh, actually, maxhead, er, yeah…Well, he brought it about himself. You see, we gave him an opportunity to apologize and admit that he was wrong, but he refused to be honest with himself and to tell the truth, he just kept re-upping.  Maria Angelica, if you’re wrong, it’s important to find the courage within yourself to admit your mistake and move forward. We must always be honest to both ourselves and others; always tell the truth.”

MA:  “Maybe the poor man who got to speak into the microphone wasn’t given this quality advice as a child, or as a grown-up?”

DdaV:  “Could be.  Maybe.”

MA:  “Multi-Great Grandpapa D, thanks for the history lesson.”

DdaV:  “Love You boo.”

Max, we’ll be having our annual end of football season meeting mid-February at The Razor and we will decide how we’re going to treat you going forward. At Patriots Nation, we can be a very unforgiving group. You might want to get your mea culpa in early, and I would hope that we can find it in our collective heart to look the other way, this one time.

This. One. Time.

Most Sincerely,

Dino da Vinci

*Some people, mostly fans or descendants from what was once the New England region, assert their belief that implosion, not explosion, was the actual cause of death.  There is, of course, a third possibility, that there was an implosion occurring just as the explosion happened.  And while this rarity of all rarities certainly would have been named Kellerman, the @maxkellerman referring to being “amazingly wrong for amazingly long” was already so deeply ingrained in the public’s consciousness, that it would simply be too confusing to add the Kellerman Conclusion (Implosion/Explosion) to the already existing Kellerman Conclusion (that old guys get old…except when they don’t.)

 

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Avila Perspective, Chap. 281: The Devin Haney and Ryan Garcia Show

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Over the years bouts between old foes such as Devin Haney and Ryan Garcia tend to be surprising.

Yes, both are only 25 but have known each other for many years.

When undisputed super lightweight champion Haney (31-0, 15 KOs) steps into the prize ring at Barclays Center to meet challenger Garcia (24-1, 20 KOs) on Saturday, April 20, fans will be witnessing the continuation of a feud that began more than a decade ago.

And though the champion is a heavy favorite, familiarity is Garcia’s best weapon heading into their fight on the Golden Boy Promotions card that will be shown on PPV.COM with Jim Lampley and friends. DAZN pay-per-view is also streaming the card.

In many ways Haney and Garcia have ventured down the same path. From amateur sensations to fighting in Mexico while teens to asking for the biggest challenges available.

“Whichever version of Ryan shows up on April 20, I will be ready for him. Ryan Garcia is just another opponent to me,” said Haney who holds the WBC super lightweight title after his win over Regis Prograis.

The first time I saw Haney as a pro he battled the dangerous Mexican contender Juan Carlos Burgos at Pechanga Resort and Casino in Temecula. It was an impressive performance against a fighter who fought three times for a world title.

Haney was 19 at the time.

My first look at Garcia as a pro was in his first bout in the U.S. when he met Puerto Rico’s Jonathan Cruz at the Exchange in downtown Los Angeles. The Boricua looked at Garcia and tried intimidating him with stares, taunts and the usual patter. During the fight both swung and missed until the second round when Garcia zeroed in and took him out.

Garcia had just turned 18, the legal age to fight in California.

Both fighters did not have the Olympics credentials that lead to fame. But their talent has allowed them to fight through the dense smoke that is professional boxing.

Haney has defeated numerous world champions such as Prograis, Vasyl Lomachenko and George Kambosos Jr., while Garcia has stopped champions Javier Fortuna and Luke Campbell.

As amateurs, Garcia and Haney battled six times with each winning three.

“They know each other very well,” said Oscar De La Hoya of Golden Boy Promotions. “Ryan is going to beat Devin Haney.”

Haney has a buttery-smooth style with one of the best jabs in boxing. He’s very adept at keeping distance and not allowing anyone to fight him inside. His reflexes are outstanding, yet he seldom fights inside. That’s his weakness.

Garcia fights tall and has superb hand speed and a lightning quick left hook. Though his defense lacks tightness his ability to rip off three-punch combinations in a blink of an eye pauses opponents from bullying their way inside.

“These guys always just look at me and look at me like I don’t know how to box,” said Garcia on social media. “Why was I one of the best fighters in the amateurs. Why was I a 15-time National champion…why did I beat everyone I came across.”

Haney is a strong favorite by oddsmakers to defeat Garcia. But you can never tell when it comes to fighters that know each other well and are athletically gifted.

When Sergio Mora challenged Vernon Forrest he was a big underdog. When Tim Bradley fought Manny Pacquiao the first time, he was also the underdog. And when Andy Ruiz met Anthony Joshua few gave him a chance.

Haney and Garcia have history in the ring. It should be an interesting battle.

PPV.COM

Jim Lampley will be leading the broadcast on PPV.COM for the Haney-Garcia card at Barclays and texting with fans on the card live. He will be accompanied by journalists Lance Pugmire, Dan Conobbio and former champion Chris Algieri.

The PPV.COM broadcast begins at 5 p.m. PT. and is available in Canada and the USA.

Other News

MMA stars Nate Diaz and Jorge Masvidal will be holding a media day event on Friday, April 19, at NOVO at L.A. Doors open at 5:30 p.m.

Diaz and Masvidal will be boxing against each other in a grudge match on June 1 at the KIA Forum in Inglewood, Calif. The two MMA stars met five years at UFC 244 with Masvidal winning by TKO over Diaz due to cuts.

This is a grudge match, but under boxing rules.

Fight card in Commerce, Calif.

360 Promotions returns to Commerce Casino on Saturday April 20 with undefeated super lightweight Cain Sandoval leading the charge.

Sandoval (12-0) faces Angel Rebollar (8-3) in the main event that will be shown live on UFC Fight Pass. Also on the card are two female events including hot prospect Lupe Medina (5-0) versus Sabrina Persona (3-1) in a minimumweight clash.

Doors open at 4 p.m.

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Boxing Odds and Ends: The Heavyweight Merry-Go-Round

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Boxing Odds and Ends: The Heavyweight Merry-Go-Round

There were few surprises when co-promoters Eddie Hearn and Frank Warren and their benefactor HE Turki Alalshikh held a press conference in London this past Monday to unveil the undercard for the Beterbiev-Bivol show at Riyadh, Saudi Arabia on June 1. Most of the match-ups had already been leaked.

For die-hard boxing fans, Beterbiev-Bivol is such an enticing fight that it really doesn’t need an attractive undercard. Two undefeated light heavyweights will meet with all four relevant belts on the line in a contest where the oddsmakers straddled the fence. It’s a genuine “pick-‘em” fight based on the only barometer that matters, the prevailing odds.

But Beterbiev-Bivol has been noosed to a splendid undercard, a striking contrast to Saturday’s Haney-Garcia $69.99 (U.S.) pay-per-view in Brooklyn, an event where the undercard, in the words of pseudonymous boxing writer Chris Williams, is an absolute dumpster fire.

The two heavyweight fights that will bleed into Beterbiev-Bivol, Hrgovic vs. Dubois and Wilder vs. Zhang, would have been stand-alone main events before the incursion of Saudi money.

Hrgovic-Dubois

Filip Hrgovic (17-0, 13 KOs) and Daniel Dubois (20-2, 19 KOs) fought on the same card in Riyadh this past December. Hrgovic, the Croatian, was fed a softie in the form of Australia’s Mark De Mori who he dismissed in the opening round. Dubois, a Londoner, rebounded from his loss to Oleksandr Usyk with a 10th-round stoppage of corpulent Jarrell “Big Baby” Miller.

There’s an outside chance that Hrgovic vs. Dubois may be sanctioned by the IBF for the world heavyweight title.

The May 18 showdown between Oleksandr Usyk and Tyson Fury has a rematch clause. The IBF is next in line in the rotation system for a unified heavyweight champion and the organization has made it plain that the winner of Usyk-Fury must fulfill his IBF mandatory before an intervening bout.

The best guess is that the Usyk-Fury winner will relinquish the IBF belt. If so, Hrgovic and Dubois may fight for the vacant title although a more likely scenario is that the organization will keep the title vacant so that the winner can fight Anthony Joshua.

Wilder-Zhang

The match between Deontay Wilder (43-3-1, 42 KOs) and Zhilei Zhang (26-2-1, 21 KOs) is a true crossroads fight as both Wilder, 38, and Zhang, who turns 41 in May, are nearing the end of the road and the loser (unless it’s a close and entertaining fight) will be relegated to the rank of a has-been. In fact, Wilder has hinted that this may be his final rodeo.

Both are coming off a loss to Joseph Parker.

Wilder last fought on the card that included Hrgovic and Dubois and was roundly out-pointed by a man he was expected to beat. It’s a quick turnaround for Zhang who opposed Parker on March 8 and lost a majority decision.

Other Fights

Either of two other fights may steal the show on the June 1 event.

Raymond Ford (15-0-1, 8 KOs) meets Nick Ball (19-0-1, 11 KOs) in a 12-round featherweight contest. New Jersey’s Ford will be defending the WBA world title he won with a come-from-behind, 12th-round stoppage of Otabek Kholmatov in an early contender for Fight of the Year. Liverpool’s “Wrecking” Ball, a relentless five-foot-two sparkplug, had to settle for a draw in his title fight with Rey Vargas despite winning the late rounds and scoring two knockdowns.

Hamzah Sheeraz (19-0, 15 KOs) meets fellow unbeaten Austin “Ammo” Williams (16-0, 11 KOs) in a 12-round middleweight match. East London’s Sheeraz, the son of a former professional cricket player, is unknown in the U.S. although he trained for his recent fights at the Ten Goose Boxing Gym in California. Riding a skein of 13 straight knockouts, he has a date with WBO title-holder Janibek Alimkhanuly if he can get over this hurdle.

The Forgotten Heavyweight

“Unbeaten for seven years, the man nobody wants to fight,” intoned ring announcer Michael Buffer by way of introduction. Buffer was referencing Michael Hunter who stood across the ring from his opponent Artem Suslenkov.

This scene played out this past Saturday in Tashkent, Uzbekistan. It was Hunter’s second fight in three weeks. On March 23, he scored a fifth-round stoppage of a 46-year-old meatball at a show in Zapopan, Mexico.

The second-generation “Bounty Hunter,” whose only defeat prior to last weekend came in a 12-rounder with Oleksandr Usyk, has been spinning his wheels since TKOing the otherwise undefeated Martin Bakole on the road in London in 2018. Two fights against hapless opponents on low-budget cards in Mexico and a couple of one-round bouts for the Las Vegas Hustle, an entry in the fledgling and largely invisible Professional Combat League, are the sum total of his activity, aside from sparring, in the last two-and-a-half years.

Hunter’s chances of getting another big-money fight took a tumble in Tashkent where he lost a unanimous decision in a dull affair to the unexceptional Suslenkov who was appearing in his first 10-round fight. The scores of the judges were not announced.

You won’t find this fight listed on boxrec. As Jake Donovan notes, the popular website will not recognize a fight conducted under the auspices of a rogue commission. (Another fight you won’t find on boxrec for the same reason is Nico Ali Walsh’s 6-round split decision over the 9-2-1 Frenchman, Noel Lafargue, in the African nation of Guinea on Dec. 16, 2023. You can find it on YouTube, but according to boxrec, boxing’s official record-keeper, it never happened.)

Anderson-Merhy Redux

The only thing missing from this past Saturday’s match in Corpus Christi, Texas, between Jared Anderson and Ryad Merhy was the ghost of Robert Valsberg.

Valsberg, aka Roger Vaisburg, was the French referee who disqualified Ingemar Johansson for not trying in his match with LA’s Ed Sanders in the finals of the heavyweight competition at the 1952 Helsinki Olympics. Valsberg tossed Johansson out of the ring after two rounds and Johansson was denied the silver medal. The Swede redeemed himself after turning pro, needless to say, when he demolished Floyd Patterson in the first of their three meetings.

Merhy was credited with throwing only 144 punches, landing 34, over the course of the 10 rounds. Those dismal figures yet struck many onlookers as too high. (This reporter has always insisted that the widely-quoted CompuBox numbers should be considered approximations.)

Whatever the true number, it was a disgraceful performance by Merhy who actually showed himself to have very fast hands on the few occasions when he did throw a punch. With apologies to Delfine Persoon, a spunky lightweight, U.S. boxing promoters should think twice before inviting another Belgian boxer to our shores.

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Anderson Cruises by Vapid Merhy and Ajagba edges Vianello in Texas

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Jared Anderson returned to the ring tonight on a Top Rank card in Corpus Christi, Texas. Touted as the next big thing in the heavyweight division, Anderson (17-0, 15 KOs) hardly broke a sweat while cruising past Ryad Merhy in a bout with very little action, much to the disgruntlement of the crowd which started booing as early as the second round. The fault was all Merhy as he was reluctant to let his hands go. Somehow, he won a round on the scorecard of judge David Sutherland who likely fell asleep for a round for which he could be forgiven.

Merhy, born in the Ivory Coast but a resident of Brussels, Belgium, was 32-2 (26 KOs) heading in after fighting most of his career as a cruiserweight. He gave up six inches in height to Anderson who was content to peck away when it became obvious to him that little would be coming back his way.

Anderson may face a more daunting adversary on Monday when he has a court date in Romulus, Michigan, to answer charges related to an incident in February where he drove his Dodge Challenger at a high rate speed, baiting the police into a merry chase. (Weirdly, Anderson entered the ring tonight wearing the sort of helmet that one associates with a race car driver.)

Co-Feature

In the co-feature, a battle between six-foot-six former Olympians, Italy’s Guido Vianello started and finished strong, but Efe Ajagba had the best of it in the middle rounds and prevailed on a split decision. Two of the judges favored Ajagba by 96-94 scores with the dissenter favoring the Italian from Rome by the same margin.

Vianello had the best round of the fight. He staggered Ajagba with a combination in round two. At the end of the round, a befuddled Ajagba returned to the wrong corner and it appeared that an upset was brewing. But the Nigerian, who trains in Las Vegas under Kay Koroma, got back into the fight with a more varied offensive attack and better head movement. In winning, he improved his ledger to 20-1 (14). Vianello, who sparred extensively with Daniel Dubois in London in preparation for this fight, declined to 12-2-1 in what was likely his final outing under the Top Rank banner.

Other Bouts of Note

In the opening bout on the main ESPN platform, 35-year-old super featherweight Robson Conceicao, a gold medalist for Brazil in the 2016 Rio Olympics, stepped down in class after fighting Emanuel Navarrete tooth-and-nail to a draw in his previous bout and scored a seventh-round stoppage of Jose Ivan Guardado who was a cooked goose after slumping to the canvas after taking a wicked shot to the liver. Guardado made it to his feet, but the end was imminent and the referee waived it off at the 2:27 mark.

Conceicao improved to 18-1 (9 KOs). It was the U.S. debut for Guardado (15-2-1), a boxer from Ensenada, Mexico who had done most of his fighting up the road in Tijuana.

Ruben Villa, the pride of Salinas, California, improved to 22-1 (7) and moved one step closer to a match with WBC featherweight champion Rey Vargas with a unanimous 10-round decision over Tijuana’s Cristian Cruz (22-7-1). The judges had it 97-93 and 98-92 twice.

Cruz, the son of former IBF world featherweight title-holder Cristobal Cruz, was better than his record. He entered the bout on a 21-1-1 run after losing five of his first seven pro fights.

Cleveland southpaw Abdullah Mason, who turned 20 earlier this month, continued his fast ascent up the lightweight ladder with a fourth-round stoppage of Ronal Ron.

Mason (13-0, 11 KOs) put Ron on the canvas in the opening round with a short left hook. He scored a second knockdown with a shot to the liver. A flurry of punches, a diverse array, forced the stoppage at the 1:02 mark of round four. A 25-year-old SoCal-based Venezuelan, the spunky but out-gunned Ron declined to 14-6.

Charly Suarez, a 35-year-old former Olympian from the Philippines, ranked #5 at junior lightweight by the IBF, advanced to 17-0 (9) with a unanimous 8-round decision over SoCal’s Louie Coria (5-7).

This was a tactical fight. In the final round, Coria, subbing for 19-0 Henry Lebron, caught the Filipino off-balance and knocked him into the ropes which held him up. It was scored a knockdown, but came too little, too late for Coria who lost by scores of 76-75 and 77-74 twice.

Suarez, whose signature win was a 12th-round stoppage of the previously undefeated Aussie Paul Fleming in Sydney, may be headed to a rematch with Robson Conceicao. They fought as amateurs in 2016 in Kazakhstan and Suarez lost a narrow 6-round decision.

Photo credit: Mikey Willams / Top Rank via Getty Images

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