For Sale

Slightly used, largely ignored professional boxing franchise headquartered in the beautiful city of Atlanta, Georgia, home of the Braves, the Falcons and the best peach cobbler north of the Macon County line.

Franchise is known as the International Boxing Union, though new ownership also purchases naming rights. Re-organizing is highly-recommended. Package deal includes web site, several championship belts, fax machine, three staplers, 12-page record book, two chairs, one folding desk and one semi-dependable desk-top computer (Apple, circa 1985). With purchase price comes opportunity to hold anonymous title fights and implement new boxing rules according to whim.

Recognized by the Association of Boxing Commissions, the IBU boasts upcoming title fights involving world famous fighters such as Richie LaMontagne, Gary Balleto and Scott Pemberton.

Not a bad deal if you’ve got a lot of free time and some extra money laying around. You could become a czar on fight night, king of your own little castle, the guy who gets to make all the rules and pick the sides.

This is nothing against the IBU. It’s probably just as good and bad as all the rest. But if I had the money, I’d buy it. I’d change the name to the Best Damn Sanctioning Body Period, or BDSBP, though it does sound like an acronym for jockey shorts.

The first thing I’d do with my new sanctioning body is rate the best fighters in the world according to how good they are, starting from the best and working my way down. This would be a bold new concept among the alphabet guys. As it is now, the WBA doesn’t rank the WBC champ and the IBF doesn’t mention the WBA champ and the …well, you know how it works. It’s like kids arguing over who gets to be first in line for dessert. Here’s an example: Lennox Lewis is the WBC champ, so he‘s not listed among the 10 best heavyweights in the world by either the WBA and the IBF. Let’s pretend he doesn’t exist while maintaining the integrity of our rankings.

I know. It’s hard to stifle your laughter.

The second thing I’d do is go back to weigh-ins on the day of the fight. They might tell you they changed the weigh-ins to the day before the fight for fighter safety, but that’s a lot of bull.

What’s safe about a fighter putting on 25 pounds overnight and getting into the ring three weight classes heavier than the guy he’s fighting? Yeah. Noon, the day of the fight.

Third, no women fighters. None, zilch, nada, el zippo. They are heartily encouraged to be ring girls, or they can even work the corner if they want. They can be Michael Buffer, promote fights, train fighters, spit in a bucket, sit at the judge’s table or be president of the Elks Club if they want. They just aren‘t allowed to fight in the BDSBP. It’s a men’s only club, lawsuits or not. I won‘t try to jump on a balance beam and I don’t want them getting punched in my ring.

Fourth, five judges instead of three. Then I’d throw out the two extreme scores and keep the middle three. It’s a lot tougher to fool a majority of five then a majority of three. It’s also a lot harder to bribe three judges instead of two. If your score gets thrown out too many times, you’ll be required to find a different line of work.

Fifth, I’d get rid of half a dozen weight divisions, like strawweight and junior flyweight and most of the super weights, like super-bantamweight and super- lightweight. There’d have to be at least seven pounds separating the divisions.

Sixth, I wouldn’t allow any promoter with the last name of King to talk to any legitimate BDSBP title contender without an attorney and a close relative present.

Just kidding.

There are other things I’d think about changing, like going back to 15 rounds for a championship fight instead of 12, but that’s just a personal choice and I’d listen to smarter men then me tell me why I should keep it at 12.

So if the IBU doesn’t find any buyers and they decide they just want to leave it someone else’s hands, mine are wide open.

BDSBP.

Has a good ring to it.