SENATOR JOHN McCAIN RESPONDS TO OPERATION CLEANUP

The 30th Round

A lot has happened in the last seven days or so. Among other things, you've got guys fromESPN referring to my stories (without accreditation, of course), putting additionalpressure on the Mandalay Bay and Tony Alamo Jr. after we got the ball rolling. You've gotGreg Sirb being discredited to a certain extent with revelations about his past practicesas a Pennsylvania state commission operative. And now, in a story we'll surely expand uponin the coming days, Jack Kerns, the all-time weasel of state commissions, has been firedby the governor of Kentucky.

But undoubtedly the highlight of my week was pulling up my e-mail bin, and, among all thespam ads for cheap home mortgages, low-cost merchant accounts, cable descramblers, andpenis enlargements (okay guys, I get the message), finding a piece of correspondence withthe subject line “Re: SENATE HEARINGS – BOXING”, and the sender listed as”Senator McCain”.

As God is my witness, it almost glowed in the dark.

Imagine my surprise, and my level of excitement, when I got an actual response from theman so prolific that he can save boxing by working four hours every six months on it! Andhow foolish was I to think that because he skipped that silly WBA meeting back in October,electing instead to promote his book on a few New York talk shows, not to mention”Saturday Night Live”, that he was even the slightest bit insincere!

Anyway, what a wiseass I am – all of the criticism I may have heaped upon him over thepast nine months or so seems completely unwarranted. The senator actually turns out to bea very nice guy. Check out what he said to me:

*Automated Response*

Dear Friend:

Thank you for taking the time to contact my office. Your views and opinions are important to me.

Due to the high volume of Internet requests that I receive daily, I am unable to provide you with an immediate response. However, if you have included a current mailing address and phone number, you will receive a response by phone or via the U.S. Postal Service. If you did not include a mailing address and would like to receive a response, please feel free to 'reply' to this email, attach a copy of your original message, and be sure to include your postal address and phone number.

I regret any inconvenience that this delay in corresponding may cause.

Again, thank you for contacting my office.

Sincerely,
John McCain
U.S. Senator

Website www.senate.gov/~mccain

Who says this guy doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time, like the rest of us?

I mean, this guy actually thanked ME for contacting his office. Meanwhile, I should bethanking HIM for having any avenue whatsoever by which I can reach out and touch him, evenif it's just a little bit, and only for a moment.

There are a few things I feel I have a duty, as an American, to say here today:

1) I am impressed that Senator McCain referred to me as “Dear Friend”. It'sindeed nice to have friends. In fact, one can NEVER have enough friends.

2) Equally impressive is the fact that MY e-mail to HIM, which was sent on Monday morning,February 3, and designed to be read in advance of his February 5 Senate hearing on boxing,was indeed read by his software, to the extent that it took only four days to receive anautomated response. Shit, that's nearly as fast as so-called “snail mail” wouldhave taken to get there. Muy bien!

3) I take pride in the fact that my “views and opinions are important” to him.

You know, sometimes you just don't know what a person is really like until you get to knowthem. I feel now that Senator John McCain, war hero, presidential candidate, Naval Academygraduate, boxing savior, has come into my home and personally touched my life. I've toldmy brother, my mother, my girlfriend. I would have told my father, except he died twelveyears ago. To hell with it – I'll probably tell him anyway.

I told my four-year-old niece, “This is the wonderful way government works.”Even SHE was impressed, although she gave me little snicker before walking away. Just whatthe hell did THAT mean?

I took a ride over to my local Office Depot and bought the finest bubble jet printer paperavailable, simply because when I printed out Senator McCain's message for purposes ofhanging it on my wall, I simply wouldn't settle for anything of lower quality.

And I am seriously considering getting a tattoo on my arm that says, “Straight TalkExpress”.

I don't care about McCain's involvement with the Keating Five. I don't care about how manyhundreds of thousands of dollars the campaign finance reform “guru” has takenfrom television companies he refuses to regulate as part of his new boxing bill. I don'tcare how ineffective his “Boxing Amendments Act” might be, or whether it's evengoing to pass.

This guy's A-OK in my book, if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

Of course, his errand boy, Ken Nahigian – now that's another matter entirely. When THISguy answered my e-mail, he was impersonal and rude. He wrote, “I don't know how yougot this e-mail address, but I would appreciate if you would never use it again.”

Now THERE'S an asshole who needs to work on his people skills.

fightpage@totalaction.com

Copyright 2003 Total Action Inc.